It Is Hot…

and of course the A/C died. The unit itself is dead. Have a funeral and bury it. It was turned on the other day and it was not cold. So, because it had not been used in a while, I left it alone and running, but it never cooled down. So I went to the office and told them. The maintenance guy came up today and because it was actually cooler outside last night than in the apartment, I turned it off and opened the windows. BIG mistake!! When the maintenance guy tried to turn it back on, NOTHING. So, now they are going to be back in an hour to remove the A/C unit that is here and replace it.

This happened last summer too. Sigh. I was hoping to avoid the issue this year. Apparently not. I do have to admit the staff here is wonderful and quick about fixing anything that breaks. I know they will fix this. Hopefully before I melt!!

40 is Different

I know that all men and all women are not a like. Although, I think that there is still a double standard for women when it comes to being 40 years old. I also think that other women and those glossy magazines put pressure on us women when it comes to being 40 years old too. In the 50s,60s, 70s, and on into the 80s women were pressured to be married by 30 or they would be old maids or spinsters. At that point in time if you were not married and had a family everyone thought there had to be something wrong with you. I look at those time periods sadly because I wonder how many women married someone that they did not love for the sake of not being an old maid.

These days, it is different, more women are waiting to get married or not getting married at all even. The waiting part is good I think, because more and more people are living together first, because honestly you don’t know someone until you live with them and see them for who they really are. You know what I mean, leaving the cap off the toothpaste, leaving the toilet seat up, and all the other stuff. So, learning who someone really is before marrying them is a good idea. However, I am a Christian and in my religion we are supposed to get married before living together.

So, that presents me with an issue. I feel that I have not always been a good Christian and I know that God has forgiven me for that. I also will not just run off and get married so that my living with someone will be ‘legal’ in the eyes of God. 40 for me will most likely not really be an issue. I had no trouble with 30. However, for some reason, 29 depressed the hell out of me.

Age is just a number and I know I do not look my age. Most people who see me would not guess that I am 37. To be honest, I like that a lot! I am not really vain about my appearance though. Not like some women and I am sure that is okay for them. Just not me. I am good with being 37 and unmarried. I was married once and it so did not work out well, so it is just as well that I have not done it again, yet. Do I want to get married again? I go back and forth on that, so it would depend on the day you are talking to me. I am learning to love myself the way that I am. Flaws and all. It has taken me a while and I am happy where I am for now.

Before I get hate mail from the guys, yes, I do know there is a double standard for you too. You are supposed to be the bread winners, the strong, and the fixer. I know a lot of you are not any of those things. It’s okay.

Ciao.

Math Should Not Be Attempted After 18.

I am by no means talking about balancing your checkbook or helping your kids with math. I am talking about the math that has letters and Greek symbols. I am talking about the math you do not understand even though you are headed through your third math class. Graphing is horrible.

I am now working my way through my third math class and I honestly do not understand any of this shit yet. I am hoping and I keep trying, so I guess this makes me a glutton for punishment. I still have a statistics class to get through after this class. So, I am suffering for my degree yet again. Sigh.

I am hoping that I can get through this and then be done with math. This kind of math. However, I do not think I am that lucky. So, now I am off to do math. Maybe.

Happiness Is…

I had to do an assignment for my social psychology class a while back and it was dealing with how your ideas of love have changed or if they have even changed at all. The idea was to think back and recall as a teenager how you saw love. How you saw that perfect person for you. Then to think about now in your life and compare the two.

It was interesting for me because mine changed dramatically as I think happens as you age. Maybe not for everyone, but I certainly know that I look for different things these days. Which makes sense. I mean, as you age you realize that your needs for certain things change, so you change your ideas to fit those needs.

I kind of think that happiness is the same way. What once made me happy as a teenage girl, does not always make me happy as a woman who is 37. So, my happiness needs changed as I aged. I think that sometimes I forget that or I don’t realize that it has changed. So, I try to do what worked for me a few years ago to be happy and I wonder why I am not.

These days, the things that make me happy are so much simpler. A beautiful sunset, a conversation with a lost or old friend. I at times forget what makes me happy until I realize something is missing. Then I go hunting for my happiness. I am not really sure if this makes any kind of sense to you or for that matter me. One thing that I know made me happy when I was a teen girl was a good book. I still love to read today and I love to sit with a good book and just fall into it.

These days I love to cook. Some days more than others. At times I love to bake. I love to write. I have always written, a lot of people do not know that about me. Writing is like breathing to me. It makes me happy.  

So go forth and find your happiness!!

Ciao.

Not Sure What I Feel..

As I sit here and type this I am 37 years old. Forty is right around the corner for me and I am not quite sure how I feel about that yet. There are days that I feel like I am 17 and can take on the world! Other days I feel like I am 117 and just want to not bother. I guess it all depends on what kind of day I am having and what went wrong. I sometimes feel 17 again and then I will see myself in a mirror or my reflection off of something and I will wonder when did I get so old? I remember when I thought 40 was old and here I am just a stone’s throw away from it now. Where did the time go? I often ask myself that exact question.

I guess dealing with rape and being abused before I was 20 had something to do with it. Yeah, I lead a hard life and sometimes I wish I could go back and change some things. Most days I am okay with what I have become. A lot more happier these days than in the past I can tell you. Most of the people who will read this might know me in real life. We were friends or went to school together someplace. Or both. A great many of you never knew what happened to me because honestly, I did not want you to know. I did not want to see the pity in your eyes because you knew what I had been through.

I am old enough now and enough time has passed to honestly say, I just don’t care anymore if you all do know or not. When I was 16 I was raped by someone I knew. No, nothing was done about it because no one would have believed me anyway. I live with the effects of that everyday. So, hearing someone say, you should have told someone, it’s a bit late now and I will not name that person anyway. When I was 17, some of you remember I got married. BIG mistake on my part, but you live and learn I suppose. He beat me while we were married. I finally had help leaving. I have not looked back since.

I still am hard headed and stubborn, I do not think that will ever change. Either you love me or you hate me. Sometimes both at the same exact time!! One thing is I am and was never boring!! I am different. For a long time, I hated being who I was. Now I embrace it. Different is good. It is very hard for me to trust anyone anymore. I will be honest, I made a lot of mistakes in my life. I will not name them, but I know them. These days I am in school trying to make something more of myself.

It is not an easy journey for me to take, but I do so willingly and honestly. Life is about the journey to get where you are going. I have run into a few brick walls in my time. But I was never really down for long. I often wonder why I can not give up. So many times I have wanted to and even tried, but could not. Is it in my DNA? It is just who I am? I don’t really know. I am glad, I can’t give up. Too many people left to drive crazy.

Am I happy? Sometimes, yes. Do I regret things? A few, if I am being honest. Do I want a do over? Depends on the day you ask me. Am I strong? More than I ever thought I was.

Looking at 40 is a strange thing. I don’t think I want to go back, but a little scared of moving forward. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be for me. I have no idea. So, here I am at 37 and I know that I will keep going. Moving forward. Sometimes looking back.

Join me on my journey and see where it takes me. Hopefully someplace good!

Ciao!