As I sit here and type this I am 37 years old. Forty is right around the corner for me and I am not quite sure how I feel about that yet. There are days that I feel like I am 17 and can take on the world! Other days I feel like I am 117 and just want to not bother. I guess it all depends on what kind of day I am having and what went wrong. I sometimes feel 17 again and then I will see myself in a mirror or my reflection off of something and I will wonder when did I get so old? I remember when I thought 40 was old and here I am just a stone’s throw away from it now. Where did the time go? I often ask myself that exact question.
I guess dealing with rape and being abused before I was 20 had something to do with it. Yeah, I lead a hard life and sometimes I wish I could go back and change some things. Most days I am okay with what I have become. A lot more happier these days than in the past I can tell you. Most of the people who will read this might know me in real life. We were friends or went to school together someplace. Or both. A great many of you never knew what happened to me because honestly, I did not want you to know. I did not want to see the pity in your eyes because you knew what I had been through.
I am old enough now and enough time has passed to honestly say, I just don’t care anymore if you all do know or not. When I was 16 I was raped by someone I knew. No, nothing was done about it because no one would have believed me anyway. I live with the effects of that everyday. So, hearing someone say, you should have told someone, it’s a bit late now and I will not name that person anyway. When I was 17, some of you remember I got married. BIG mistake on my part, but you live and learn I suppose. He beat me while we were married. I finally had help leaving. I have not looked back since.
I still am hard headed and stubborn, I do not think that will ever change. Either you love me or you hate me. Sometimes both at the same exact time!! One thing is I am and was never boring!! I am different. For a long time, I hated being who I was. Now I embrace it. Different is good. It is very hard for me to trust anyone anymore. I will be honest, I made a lot of mistakes in my life. I will not name them, but I know them. These days I am in school trying to make something more of myself.
It is not an easy journey for me to take, but I do so willingly and honestly. Life is about the journey to get where you are going. I have run into a few brick walls in my time. But I was never really down for long. I often wonder why I can not give up. So many times I have wanted to and even tried, but could not. Is it in my DNA? It is just who I am? I don’t really know. I am glad, I can’t give up. Too many people left to drive crazy.
Am I happy? Sometimes, yes. Do I regret things? A few, if I am being honest. Do I want a do over? Depends on the day you ask me. Am I strong? More than I ever thought I was.
Looking at 40 is a strange thing. I don’t think I want to go back, but a little scared of moving forward. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be for me. I have no idea. So, here I am at 37 and I know that I will keep going. Moving forward. Sometimes looking back.
Join me on my journey and see where it takes me. Hopefully someplace good!
Ciao!
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